CRAP SUPERHEROES
(THE ONES THAT SPOTTY AND SUPERTED JUST POINTED AT AND LAUGHED)

TAMMY ULTRA - The menstruating crime buster. She beats crooks with her short temper and her wings of steel! Her “Applicator” bazooka strikes fear into the hearts of muggers, murderers, aerobics instructors and international terrorists all over the globe.

BORING NORMAN - He’s so dull he sends his enemies to sleep. Norman was the man who put the infamous “Basingstoke Pelican Toucher” behind bars. Norman doesn’t rely on laser-guns or stun grenades to knock out his enemies. He just starts talking to bank robbers and other bad guys about his top ten favourite tractors and why seagulls are much more interesting than woodpeckers.

EDDIE DEAD-EYE - He thinks he’s a Jedi!! Nothing really spectacular about this fool. He likes going into supermarkets and starting conversations with potential shoplifters by saying “ Do you know where they keep the mayonnaise? These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.” He pretends to have Jedi powers but most serious criminals just laugh at him and his silly outfits.

SINCLAIR SPECTRUM - Thinks he has a cool name but is always too busy playing computer games to catch many criminals. He once had a steamy romance with Lara Croft and took on the entire cast of “Mortal Kombat” single-handed. He was however responsible for the arrest of Davey McGravy, the vicious mullet snatcher of Old London Town. Sinclair simply plugged his modem into Davey’s rectum and managed to complete an entire level of “Zelda” by the time the police arrived.

TOMMY THE WHALE - Tommy is just a normal boy living a normal life in a normal town. But when Tommy eats a tonne of krill he turns into a sixty five-foot long sperm whale. Drug smugglers fear him, arms dealers run a mile and Greenpeace just think he’s a pain in the arse. Tommy doesn’t catch many criminals as he can’t run anywhere and he constantly needs volunteers to dowse him with seawater to stop his skin drying out.

DOCTOR SLOTH - He’s not really a doctor and he’s not really a sloth either. He’s got just three toes on each foot as a result of being conceived in a nuclear reactor. Not very fast at catching criminals as he spends most of his waking hours clinging to tree branches in Peruvian jungles. If any criminals come near him, Doctor Sloth just stares blankly at them for several hours before going back to sleep again.

MELVYN THE BISEXUAL BYCICLE RECYCLER - Melvyn catches criminals by chasing them on bicycles that have been recycled from old tin cans, offices chairs and contraceptives. He also bats for both teams. Melvyn is an ecological crime buster and in Mafia circles he’s known as “The Big Green Queen”.

SALIVATING SALLY - Sally has a reputation for drowning miscreants with her own saliva and phlegm. She once captured Terry Vole, the notorious teabag fetishist, by choking up three-pounds of lung butter into his pot of Darjeeling in The Empire Tearooms, Harrogate. Terry was so nauseated by this that he passed out at the table and woke up in a police cell.