THE 2002 FANTASY FOOTBALL WORLD CUP FINAL

Des “ Good evening and welcome to what promises to be an electric night of football. Yes, the 2002 Fantasy Football World cup Final; England versus the USA.”

Gary “ We’re here in Tokyo for this epic game of champions. Every player is at the very pinnacle of physical fitness and the world will be watching to see if they will go all the way. This year’s regular World Cup ended unexpectedly after finalists Argentina were disqualified for Savlon abuse, crimes against haircuts and for lewd conduct with dwarves. England were then declared world champions by default. Tonight sees the sporting event of the decade when 11 of the most attractive women in England do battle against 11 of the foxiest crumpet in the USA.”

Des “This stadium brings back many great memories for England fans. Nobody could possibly forget that wonderful Felicity Kendal hat trick against France that sealed England’s place in the 1986 final. Anyway, lets take a look at tonight’s England team.”

ENGLAND (Coach - Ulrika Johnson)

Lisa Snowdon
Kate Moss	Kirsty Gallagher	Daisy Donovan	Kate Beckinsale (c)
Cat Deeley	Jennifer Ellison	Rachel Weisz	Rachel Stevens
	Kelly Brook	Jordan

Substitutes: Sara Cox, Louise Rednapp, Donna Air, Anna Friel, Lisa Faulkner

Des “ What a line up! England have certainly got the big guns up front with Kelly Brook and Jordan. Has Ulrika Johnson got the right formula for the mid-field, Gary?”

Gary “Given the recent injury worries to the England squad I think Ulrika has picked a pretty good team. England never really filled the left flank position after Catherine Zeta-Jones chose to play for Wales but Moss and Deeley should be up to the job. Jennifer Ellison, the feisty young Liverpool mid-fielder, is in fine form and always hungry for balls. Lisa Snowdon is still first choice goalkeeper. Rachel Stevens is a key player and she’ll look forward to getting stuck into the USA defence”.

Des “ England’s opponents, the USA, will be tough to beat and last week’s drubbing of Germany 7 : 0 will be forefront in the minds of the England defence tonight. Lets get an eyeful of the American Team”

USA (Coach - Demi Moore)

Sarah Michelle Gellar
Cameron Diaz (c)	Natalie Portman	Liv Tyler	Tara Reid
Katie Holmes	Alicia Silverstone	Angelina Jolie	Halle Berry
	Britney Spears	Carmen Electra

Substitutes: Christie Turlington JenniferLove Hewitt Shannon Elizabeth Jennifer Lopez Ali Landry

Des “ Not bad at all. They’re sporting one on the tastiest defences in the World and not much gets past Sarah Michelle Gellar in goal. She’ll snatch the ball away in any full frontal attack with her firm grip and deftness of hand. It’s said that she has the most experienced snatch in the modern game and nobody can handle a penetrating lob as well as she can.”

Gary “ We’re now getting news that the officials have decided that both team’s strips are too similar in colour and the game was going to be suspended. However the USA team have agreed to play in “skins” and they are all removing their tops. Might I remind you that the rules outlaw the use of bras in this game so this is particularly sporting of them.”

Des “It rather reminds you of PE at school doesn’t it?”

Gary “Speaking of PE…. Ooh…Aah…Oh dear! I’m really sorry. Honestly, this has never happened to me before.”

Des “ Well as ‘Football’s Mr Squeaky Clean’ cleans himself up and with only a few minutes left until kick off it’s time to join Clive Tyldesley and Ron Atkinson for live commentary.”

Ron “Thanks Des. The England team have really been breaking in the squirrel in preparation for this match and Ulrika will be chasing plenty of hat stands round the bell tower in the next ninety minutes. This match promises to clinch more mint humbugs than a Bunsen-Burner in a stationary cupboard.”

Clive “Ron, what the fuck are you talking about?”

Ron “I’m just making the point that if you put a mongoose in the same cage as a Walnut Whip you’ll need to hold on to your Geraniums very tightly.”

Clive “What!! What have Walnut Whips got to do with football?”

Ron “Obviously, Clive, I was talking metaphorically.”

Clive “The only thing you’re talking is bollocks, Ron.”

Ron “Er… yes…er…but you can’t really argue with the mint humbug theory though, can you? Oh look, the match is kicking off and England have won the toss.”

Clive “ Brook takes the kick off and Rachel Stevens storms up the wing eager for a piece of the action. Brook to Weisz, to Deeley. Deeley is surging forward, past Angelina Jolie. Could it be an early goal for England? It’s still with England. The USA defence is shocking as Deeley comes inside Natalie Portman. It’s not often she lets attackers do that. Deeley goes deep before being brought down by a crunching tackle from Tara Reid inside the penalty box. She’s gone down. My God, that really shouldn’t be allowed. Tara Reid has forced Deeley to go down in the box and some of the crowd are appealing for diving. Could this be curtains for Deeley? Deeley has her face down and the referee has awarded the penalty. Jordan steps up to put the ball down. It’s on the spot as she takes her run up. She gives Sarah Michelle Gellar the eye as she slips it in between her legs in one slick movement and England take the lead.”

Ron “I’ve never seen England make such a good start. They’re really up for it and surely anyone wearing a blue sweater tonight will be on the look out for cheap scones.”

Clive “Ron?”

Ron “Yes?”

Clive “If you come out with another meaningless football metaphor I’m going to send you home and you’ll be replaced by a Speak And Spell.”

Ron “Sorry Clive, I was only expressing an opinion.”

Clive “ Whatever, Ron. America are on the attack now. Katie Holmes crosses to Britney Spears who charges up the middle looking for cracks in the defence. She certainly is a well-oiled machine. Makes a long pass to Carmen Electra but it’s intercepted by Daisy Donovan who passes to Kate Beckinsale. Beckinsale is tackled by Cameron Diaz and England get the free kick. Beckinsale is probably the best place kicker in the world and her last minute goal against Greece in the qualifying stages will be firmly in the memories of the England crowd.

“She crosses to Brook who catches the ball on her ample chest. Brook sees the gap and goes for goal but it’s intercepted by Liv Tyler. She boots it up the pitch to Spears and the linesman puts up the flag for offside. But the referee’s seen something else. Kate Beckinsale is on the ground following a reckless tackle from Alicia Silverstone. The video reply clearly shows her being taken from behind. She doesn’t look happy about it and she lashes out at Silverstone with a kick behind the knee. Silverstone crumples to the ground and the referee reaches for his pocket for a card. It’s red! And Beckinsale, the England captain is sent for an early bath as the whistle blows for half time.”

Ron “I can’t believe it. She should never have been sent to the monkey room for that. Beckinsale was entirely provoked by Silverstone. You can’t give someone a red card just for giving cough medicine to the vicar. The touch judge should have intervened before the salad cream got spilt over the Easter Bunny. This’ll be front-page news tomorrow morning and you can expect plenty of mushrooms to be dancing outside the bingo hall in disapproval.”

Clive “Ron, I warned you about talking meaningless bollocks didn’t I?”

Ron “Yes but I think I’ve got a valid point about the mushrooms. After all you can’t mix peanut butter with bubble bath can you?”

Clive “I'm going to give you one last chance Ron. One more silly metaphor from you and I'm calling for the men in white coats.

Ron “Sorry Clive I just can't discuss football normally and in a way that other people can understand. I think it's got something to do with my glands.”

Clive “Your glands? Look let's just get back to the game shall we? Anyway the USA have a free kick and Tara Reid takes it quickly. It's gone to Katie Holmes whose reputation for slick ball control is legendary. Pace is an important factor with this American team. Reports from the training ground last week said that in the time it takes the average player to run the length of the pitch, Katie Holmes and Angelina Jolie will have squeezed in several lengths without breaking sweat.

“ England's defence being tested now as Holmes crosses the ball to Britney Spears who heads the ball towards the top corner of the England goal. In the tightness of the box Britney normally goes for head rather than using her feet or her chest. Melanie Sykes reaches out for it but it's come off the woodwork. Carmen Electra is in position and expertly guides it in. It's a goal!! How's that for penetration? That evens the score just before half time. The referee blows the whistle and the two teams jog to their dressing rooms for a quick rub down and team talk. And it's back to Des and Gary in the studio”

Des “What a first half. All the girls are going for it and plenty of action is promised for the second half. Gary how would you rate the England team?

Gary “They're definitely up for it tonight Des, although Jordan and Kelly Brook need to keep it a bit more tight.”

Des “Well we can now go to Ron Atkinson who is with Kate Beckinsale on the touchline”

Ron “Kate, a disappointing decision by the referee?”

Kate Beckinsale “Very disappointing. Well-spoken crumpet like me should never be sent off. It's just not done. I merely gave Alicia a little bang. I never meant to take her out.”

Ron “Has England's Swedish manager Ulrika Johnson always been keen on discipline?”

Kate “Mighty keen. She certainly wears the trousers in the dressing room. I've seen players down on their knees during training sessions lots of times”

Ron “They say that, at international level, if you break a vase you should never drip candle wax over the bird table. Would you agree with this?”

Kate “Er…yes……. I completely agree…”

Ron “ Oh good. I thought it was just me who believed that old chestnut. Anyway it looks like the teams are coming out of the tunnel for the second half.”

Clive “ Yes Ron the second half will soon be underway. England will have the wind behind them for the next 45 minutes. The USA have made just one substitution for this half; Jennifer Lopez comes on in place of Alicia Silverstone who has had a poor game so far”

Ron “ The American team kicks off and Lopez is on the attack already. With such a low centre of gravity she has a phenomenal turn of speed. She launches a volley at the bottom of the goal but she is too wide and it's down to Mel Sykes to take the goal kick. It's a long one and Kirsty Gallagher collects and punts it downfield to Jordan. But Jordan loses concentration while chatting to the referee and misses the pass. Natalie Portman intercepts and returns it upfield. What a player Natalie Portman has become. If we are honest about it though, we could all see her potential from a very young age.”

Clive “That's right, she has always shown more maturity than her years suggest. The ball is out of play now and England take the throw in. Rachel Weiss takes possession and she's leaving defenders in her wake. This could be wonderful, she's just got the goalkeeper to beat, she shoots, she scores!! 2:1 to England. Just twenty minutes remain in this Fantasy Football World Cup final and England are dominating the game. You've got to take your hat off to the ref though don't you Ron?”

Ron “Yes Clive. What a guy (insert your name here) is. He's so firm with these ladies and he's fair with it. What he deals out to one he'll deal out to the other. They respect him and he knows how to handle them when they go down unnecessarily during play. I've never heard any complaints about him either.”

Clive “England gave a tendency to sit back after going ahead and they can't afford to take the pressure off during the last quarter of the match. England still have possession though and Cat Deeley passes it forward to Rachel Stevens who is dispossessed by Cameron Diaz. Diaz passes it to Liv Tyler and Tyler taps it up to Tara Reid. England are on the backfoot again. Reid takes a shot at the goal but Kate Moss heads it behind her and the USA have a corner.

Halle Berry runs up to take the kick, which goes straight to Carmen Electra. Could this be the equaliser? She fires a shot at goal but Jordan is in the way. The ball hits her chest hard and bounces off her breasts at great speed and flies towards the other goal! There's nobody back there apart from Sarah Michelle Gellar, the American goalkeeper. But Gellar is busy practicing her kickboxing moves and is unaware that the ball is headed her way. Too late, it's in the back of the net and an England victory seems imminent. Two minutes to go as the USA restart. England defend by kicking the ball into touch. How much more can the referee play? Some of the crowd are on the pitch. They think it's all over. It is now. England are World Champions once again”

Ron “What can I say? I've never seen so many crème caramels put next to a sandcastle in my life. Leamington Spa will be heaving with couscous tonight. The England girls bundle the referee in glee. Don't forget that it is traditional for referees to join the winning team for a post match bath and (insert your name here) will surely do his duty tonight. Back to Des and Gary”

Gary “What a night. As the USA team do a lap of honour, let's remind you of our top ten highlights of this tournament”

Number Ten: Natalie Imbruglia's goal for Australia in the quarterfinals

Number Nine: The Minogue sisters last minute corner against Switzerland

Number Eight: Romania not qualifying due to The Cheeky Girls being shit

Number Seven: Veteran striker Pamela Anderson's penalty for Canada

Number Six : Anna Kournikova's eggy-strop after Russia lost to Korea

Number Five: Beyonce Knowles displaying the new skin-tight football strip

Number Four: Jennifer Love Hewitt's tackle on Italy's Monica Bellucci

Number Three: France's Vanessa Paradis save in the penalty shoot out

Number Two: Gail Porter getting disqualified simply for being annoying

Number One: Kelly Brook calling Alan Hansen a grumpy twat live on BBC One

Gary: We hope you have enjoyed the tournament. Good night

Des: Good night

Ron: Clam Chowder

Clive: Good night